Rising from the Ashes: The Shadow of Postpartum Depression

My littlest wildling just turned 4 so I’ve been reflecting on the last few years. It’s a deeply personal story that only few people in my life know. For some reason it wants to be told and I must trust that. So, here goes.

When I thought of Postpartum Depression (PPD) or Postpartum Anxiety (PPA), I imagined a new mother who didn’t feel connected or attached to her baby and left it alone to cry, afraid or unsure what to do. My experience was so different from this image, I didn’t recognize the form PPD/PPA manifested within myself until it had its grasp around me firmly.

Of course I knew I was “at risk” for PPD and PPA with having a history of depression and anxiety since my college years which only grew worse after my dad’s unexpected death when I was 23. That sent me into a tailspin for a few years trying to escape into drugs and alcohol. Then health problems appeared as chronic migraines and I became dependent on prescribed pain medications. Withdrawing from those was a horrific and painful process. So I had dealt with that and thought it was behind me. Then my mom died in the middle of my pregnancy, and I had the added pressure and responsibility of handling her estate. I was heartbroken and grieving, trying my best to process this loss of a mother as I was transitioning into becoming one myself. But I wasn’t depressed.

I prepared for my postpartum period making decisions to lower the chances of being sucked into that deep, dark hole again: voraciously reading numerous books about childbirth and beyond, having an unmedicated natural birth in a birthing center, hiring a postpartum doula, encapsulating and consuming my placenta.

As a new mother, I followed my instincts and naturally adopted an attachment parenting path. We breastfed on demand, coslept, and babywore. Our bond was close and I was in love with my son. I also had a nagging fear that I needed to document everything in case I followed in my parents’ footsteps and died an early death. I put together 6 large photo albums for my son to remember his first year! I wrote letters to him and emailed them to myself to share with him when he was older or if I wasn’t alive to tell him. I prepared for not being here and tried to control as much as I could while I was. That was the first way it presented itself: a desperate need to control people and situations in my life.

Babyhood was easy and my husband and I were overconfident, thinking and feeling we were just really good at parenting and not understanding why others complained it was hard. Ha! So I got pregnant again, this time my pregnancy wasn’t easy. My pubic bone was separating from itself which was extremely painful, I got varicose veins, and had nursing aversion while breastfeeding my firstborn- but I was committed to our nursing relationship and pushed through. Because of this, the relationship with my son began to suffer. I could no longer babywear or pick him up, and wasn’t eager to nurse him as I had been in the past. He was still a baby and needed his Mama. Even though I didn’t intend to, I was pushing him away. He started acting out and I started snapping at him and being angry. Really angry.

Less than 2 years after my first birth, I gave birth to my second son in an ecstatic and blissful homebirth. It was beautiful and one of my favorite memories. I felt powerful and was high on the oxytocin love hormones for days. Until we realized something was wrong with our dog, my soulmate love-of-my-life, Penny. Those next two weeks were spent worrying while I stayed at home resting with my newborn and my husband and toddler were at various vet appointments. The morning of my oldest’s 2nd birthday, we discovered Penny had died under his bed, next to ours in our bedroom. To say I was devastated is an understatement. My world was turned upside down. Again, this mind-fuck of bringing life into the world while losing another came to challenge me.

The babymoon period with my second son is a blur. I was there physically but emotionally I was detached. I was impatient with everyone. Yelling and losing my temper was a daily occurrence. I would get consumed by rage. I especially took it out on my husband and toddler. That only separated us further and added to my mama-guilt. Looking back on this time is hard for me.

When my boys turned 1 and 3, things got worse. These painful memories were triggered and I couldn’t cope. My husband and I got into a really bad fight, and I threw things, put holes in the wall, and flew violently out of control. Violent fights were something I had witnessed growing up in an unstable home, but I had never acted out in this way. Aware I was out of control, I called the police for help to come settle me down. What a mistake! Or perhaps a blessing-in-disguise, in retrospect. They arrested me, despite my husband’s refusal to press charges. After 6 terrifying hours, I was released. Hitting this rock bottom woke me up to the person I had become- someone full of rage that needed help.

I went to my Naturopath who was treating me for Adrenal Fatigue and got started on an antidepressant and other supportive herbs. I found a therapist and an acupuncturist. I returned to yoga which reminded me of my connection to my body and being mindful and still. I feel that yoga saved me and started pulling me from the abyss I had fallen into.

The rest of my healing I owe to Reiki. Once I began studying and having my Reiki attunements, I started practicing on myself regularly and went through another transformation. My heartache healed. My resentment lifted. My relationships improved. I was living a fuller, more satisfying life. Really living life instead of going through the motions.

Looking back on these memories, it feels like it was someone else’s experience although it was only a few years ago. I’m in such a different place now than I was then and I am so grateful for that. I still have a temper and lose it sometimes, but I don’t feel out of control with rage anymore. I’m not preparing for my death or absence. I have learned to let go of control, and with a Virgo natal Moon, know that this will be my life’s work.

I understand that difficult experiences challenge us to rise up beyond them. Being under pressure has shown me my strength and resilience. I have made it through that hell and back. Life isn’t all love and light, the shadow has value and meaning too. I honor the darkness and the light. There are lessons learned and everything has brought me to this point in my life where I can share it with you.

Reclaiming Witch

It’s time to set the record straight and return to a time where being called Witch is an honor.

The reference of Witch has a negative stigma attached to it. They are often portrayed as ugly, old spinsters with wort-ridden noses riding on broomsticks into the night. Or in stories luring children to them to be kidnapped and eaten. Or dancing naked under a full moon conjuring spells and partaking in animal sacrifice. What comes to your mind?

Before these negative associations became commonplace, Witch had a positive meaning and were respected. Witches were the healers, midwives, herbalists, respected members in their community. They lived close to the Earth and in tune with her rhythms. Powerful women who became feared.

In Max Dashu’s book titled Witches and Pagans, she dives deeply into the history and origins of the word Witch and lists these as alternates that were used: Wisewoman, Knower, Prophetess, Diviner, Enchantress, Doer, Maker, Shapeshifter, Old Woman, Fateful Woman.

As late as 1584, Reginald Scot could write in The Discovery of Witchcraft:

“At this day it is indifferent to say in the English tongue,

“She is a witch” or “she is a wise woman.”

Having been raised in a Christian household, I also had the negative association and incorrect teachings of who a Witch is and what she does. As a seeker of the truth, I have rejected what I was told and found out for myself what is real.

I now know many Witchy women, none of them sacrifice animals (in fact I’m vegan!) or worship the Devil. They honor relationships to Earth and the cosmos, notice rhythms and synchronicities, are deeply intuitive/sensitive/empathic individuals, and believe in the power of intention magnified through ritual.

My heart aches for the countless horrors done to women who identified as or were accused to be a Witch. I know it is a privilege to claim the title, and it is not one I take lightly. My hope is that more of us will be open to what resonates within ourselves, and question the outdated belief system built on fear and oppression. We are here, respected women in your community, living in relationship with the natural world and sharing our wisdom for the highest good of all.

Getting In Tune With Earth’s Rhythm

That time of year is upon us. In the Northern hemisphere the days are getting shorter and the nights are growing longer. Autumn is here. Depending on where you live, you may be seeing the beautiful fall colors taking hold as trees instinctively prepare for the coming winter. First, their leaves become their most vibrant shade of themselves, their fullest expression: golden yellow, russet, amber, deep plum, burgundy, and my favorite- crimson. Then, they effortlessly let go and drift to the ground. A lesson is to be learned here, release what is no longer needed to make room for what is to come. It’s time to slooooow down, harvest all the goodness that the busyness of Summer has brought forth and reflect in gratitude on your hard work.

Autumn is also a time to plant bulbs and seeds that need time to sit in the stillness of the Earth before they germinate and sprout to life in Spring. Winter? The time to rest and turn inward and let the magic happen.

So, this season, take a look at how far you’ve come. Find a way to give thanks either by writing it out, saying aloud, or performing a ritual to express your gratitude. Even if things are not where you’d like them, find the things that are and focus on what you want more of. Go easy on yourself. There is always something to be grateful for.

Ask yourself what needs clearing out? What is holding you back from where you want to be? What keeps surfacing that finally needs to be laid to rest? Let it go. Make room for what is waiting to come in. Sometimes a feeling of grief comes up, that’s ok too. Honor all feelings and truly feel them. There’s no shortcut. No way around except going through. If you try to ignore the uncomfortable feelings, they’ll keep showing up and sooner or later will need to be dealt with.

This it is time to nourish yourself and celebrate what is to come into the space you have created. Eat organic whole foods that you prepare yourself and enjoy the process of selecting, cutting, and cooking them. This is the Earth’s gift to fortify you for the upcoming darkness and chill that will set in. Listen to your body and honor your needs without guilt. That means if you are feeling “lazy” don’t beat yourself up, shift your perspective and see it as a time to recharge. Just as we see nature slowing down and conserving energy, let’s follow the lead.

I can support you through this process with energy work and cord-cutting rituals. I will witness your feelings and honor your work. I can help you find the gratitude when it’s hard to see. You don’t have to do this work alone. Listen to our Mother, the Earth. She’s showing you the way. And if you can’t hear her, I will guide you.

Reach out to me by email earthstarhealingarts@gmail.com or call/text 503-724-5037 to set up a time to work with me.