My littlest wildling just turned 4 so I’ve been reflecting on the last few years. It’s a deeply personal story that only few people in my life know. For some reason it wants to be told and I must trust that. So, here goes.
When I thought of Postpartum Depression (PPD) or Postpartum Anxiety (PPA), I imagined a new mother who didn’t feel connected or attached to her baby and left it alone to cry, afraid or unsure what to do. My experience was so different from this image, I didn’t recognize the form PPD/PPA manifested within myself until it had its grasp around me firmly.
Of course I knew I was “at risk” for PPD and PPA with having a history of depression and anxiety since my college years which only grew worse after my dad’s unexpected death when I was 23. That sent me into a tailspin for a few years trying to escape into drugs and alcohol. Then health problems appeared as chronic migraines and I became dependent on prescribed pain medications. Withdrawing from those was a horrific and painful process. So I had dealt with that and thought it was behind me. Then my mom died in the middle of my pregnancy, and I had the added pressure and responsibility of handling her estate. I was heartbroken and grieving, trying my best to process this loss of a mother as I was transitioning into becoming one myself. But I wasn’t depressed.
I prepared for my postpartum period making decisions to lower the chances of being sucked into that deep, dark hole again: voraciously reading numerous books about childbirth and beyond, having an unmedicated natural birth in a birthing center, hiring a postpartum doula, encapsulating and consuming my placenta.
As a new mother, I followed my instincts and naturally adopted an attachment parenting path. We breastfed on demand, coslept, and babywore. Our bond was close and I was in love with my son. I also had a nagging fear that I needed to document everything in case I followed in my parents’ footsteps and died an early death. I put together 6 large photo albums for my son to remember his first year! I wrote letters to him and emailed them to myself to share with him when he was older or if I wasn’t alive to tell him. I prepared for not being here and tried to control as much as I could while I was. That was the first way it presented itself: a desperate need to control people and situations in my life.
Babyhood was easy and my husband and I were overconfident, thinking and feeling we were just really good at parenting and not understanding why others complained it was hard. Ha! So I got pregnant again, this time my pregnancy wasn’t easy. My pubic bone was separating from itself which was extremely painful, I got varicose veins, and had nursing aversion while breastfeeding my firstborn- but I was committed to our nursing relationship and pushed through. Because of this, the relationship with my son began to suffer. I could no longer babywear or pick him up, and wasn’t eager to nurse him as I had been in the past. He was still a baby and needed his Mama. Even though I didn’t intend to, I was pushing him away. He started acting out and I started snapping at him and being angry. Really angry.
Less than 2 years after my first birth, I gave birth to my second son in an ecstatic and blissful homebirth. It was beautiful and one of my favorite memories. I felt powerful and was high on the oxytocin love hormones for days. Until we realized something was wrong with our dog, my soulmate love-of-my-life, Penny. Those next two weeks were spent worrying while I stayed at home resting with my newborn and my husband and toddler were at various vet appointments. The morning of my oldest’s 2nd birthday, we discovered Penny had died under his bed, next to ours in our bedroom. To say I was devastated is an understatement. My world was turned upside down. Again, this mind-fuck of bringing life into the world while losing another came to challenge me.
The babymoon period with my second son is a blur. I was there physically but emotionally I was detached. I was impatient with everyone. Yelling and losing my temper was a daily occurrence. I would get consumed by rage. I especially took it out on my husband and toddler. That only separated us further and added to my mama-guilt. Looking back on this time is hard for me.
When my boys turned 1 and 3, things got worse. These painful memories were triggered and I couldn’t cope. My husband and I got into a really bad fight, and I threw things, put holes in the wall, and flew violently out of control. Violent fights were something I had witnessed growing up in an unstable home, but I had never acted out in this way. Aware I was out of control, I called the police for help to come settle me down. What a mistake! Or perhaps a blessing-in-disguise, in retrospect. They arrested me, despite my husband’s refusal to press charges. After 6 terrifying hours, I was released. Hitting this rock bottom woke me up to the person I had become- someone full of rage that needed help.
I went to my Naturopath who was treating me for Adrenal Fatigue and got started on an antidepressant and other supportive herbs. I found a therapist and an acupuncturist. I returned to yoga which reminded me of my connection to my body and being mindful and still. I feel that yoga saved me and started pulling me from the abyss I had fallen into.
The rest of my healing I owe to Reiki. Once I began studying and having my Reiki attunements, I started practicing on myself regularly and went through another transformation. My heartache healed. My resentment lifted. My relationships improved. I was living a fuller, more satisfying life. Really living life instead of going through the motions.
Looking back on these memories, it feels like it was someone else’s experience although it was only a few years ago. I’m in such a different place now than I was then and I am so grateful for that. I still have a temper and lose it sometimes, but I don’t feel out of control with rage anymore. I’m not preparing for my death or absence. I have learned to let go of control, and with a Virgo natal Moon, know that this will be my life’s work.
I understand that difficult experiences challenge us to rise up beyond them. Being under pressure has shown me my strength and resilience. I have made it through that hell and back. Life isn’t all love and light, the shadow has value and meaning too. I honor the darkness and the light. There are lessons learned and everything has brought me to this point in my life where I can share it with you.
Earth Star Healing Arts 