With Mother’s Day recently passed and Father’s Day quickly approaching, I feel compelled to write about my experience of navigating through parenthood without living parents of my own.
I am an adult orphan. Nobody living’s daughter. There is a feeling of disconnect from my roots, from my childhood history. My parents took more than themselves when they left their physical bodies. Part of my identity went with them.
My dad died unexpectedly in a car accident when I was 23. We never saw that coming. I dove head first into a spiral of self destruction with substance abuse that lasted most of my 20s. I couldn’t numb myself enough. It wasn’t until 7 years after his death that I decided to crawl out from under the fog and deal with my reality. My health was suffering from the abuse I put my body through. I had chronic migraines, anxiety, and depression. Attending free bereavement groups through San Diego Hospice and getting serious about therapy helped me begin to deal with my suppressed grief.
Just as I was making a new life for myself by moving to a new state, buying a house, and starting a family with my husband; my mom lost her 14 year battle with autoimmune diseases that snuffed out her life. I was 32, in the midst of my first pregnancy and had just found out I was pregnant with a boy. Fortunately, I was able to fly home to her in time and spend her last night with her; holding her hand and stroking her hair while she put her hand on my life-filled belly, feeling my baby kick. I am beyond grateful for that precious time with her. Being on the path to healing and pregnant helped me stay sober and deal directly with the familiarity of grief when it struck again.
I dealt with the extremely stressful burden of handling my parents’ estate and tying up all the loose ends. I discovered natural remedies in the form of flower essences (Star of Bethlehem in particular) to be invaluable in coping. I juggled reading Motherless Daughters, Parentless Parents, and The Orphaned Adult with What to Expect When You’re Expecting and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth to prepare me for transitioning to my new role that lie ahead. Nothing could have prepared me enough.
It is a lonely world to parent without support in this modern age. No doting grandparents to provide much needed breaks. The people I want here the most to witness all that I’ve become cannot give me any validation or encouragement in the ways I need. I grieve not only what was lost, but what can never be. And the jealousy, oh the jealousy of seeing friends and others with their children and their parents– generations of love– just rips me to pieces.
With time, I have found gratitude in my loss. The space has provided me with a blank slate to forge the path that my husband and I want to navigate in raising our children. Neither one of us wants to go down the same road we were raised on so this distance has been a blessing in disguise. We are building our own life that suits our ideals of being unconditionally loving, respectful, compassionate, connected parents.
Through healing, I have been able to discover who I really am and find my path in life. It has taken a lot of deep work to lose the conditioning and domestication that my upbringing instilled in me. It began with questioning everything and feeling if it was truly something that resonated within me or not. I chose to keep what truths were mine and leave the rest. It is still a work in progress, one that I don’t know will ever be over. It doesn’t end, just evolves as life does.
Although I can’t have them in my life, my parents will always be a part of it because they are a part of me. Through stories, music, and family traditions they live on. My boys know they have a Grammy and a Grampy watching over them, and sometimes when I’m lucky, I can feel them watching over me.
Earth Star Healing Arts 